6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
We know he can swim but…
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Always
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.