6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
I WON A HAM TODAY
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.