Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?