Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Sunday

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Isn’t

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.