Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.