Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad