Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.