Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.