6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah