Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

i smell a pulitzer

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs