6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
why neck hurt
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Lmbo
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?