Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.