Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.