6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.