Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?