Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle