Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

blocked.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I have obtained a hat

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!