Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could