6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I am HOWLING at this
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I created you as mosquito food.