Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!