Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.