Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

How to properly lift a body

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Still my favorite headline of all time:

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game