6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”