6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
This could be us but you eatin’
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Noted.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.