Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen