Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.