Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

😍😂🥰😂😍

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.