*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
sugar glider wrangler
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.