Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Bootstraps

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!