Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Every work meeting this week

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh