6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
peeping toms
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.