6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”