@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

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@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@ruinedpicnic

me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying

@AnOrangeSNES

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

@fishbowel

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

@BunAndLeggings

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

@agathagotstoned

A coffee table book, but it’s just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”

@dtrainboy

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?