“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
A coffee table book, but it’s just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?