6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My purse is deeper than some people.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: