(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
You Might Also Like
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP