Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section