Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly