(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
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If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.