(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
i smell a pulitzer
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
best review i’ve ever seen
