Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.