6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Care for your back
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney