6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Help Wanted
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them