Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

work smarter, not harder

I’m having an out of money experience.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her