6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
You Might Also Like
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
So inspired right now.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Ain’t no way
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.