Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*