6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.