Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

adam and eve had first world problems

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me