Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

i really liked this one

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese