6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
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jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I forgot how to panic. Help
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.