If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
Me: same idea
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[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!