6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware