@3sunzzz

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

You Might Also Like

@SirEviscerate

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

@ProdigyNelson

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

@bambimygirl

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@wittwitbarista

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

@iamspacegirl

Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you

@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!