Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

I had to Stop for this

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.