Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

the official breakfast of 2021

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.