Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

😂🍻

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???