Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.