6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.