Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.