6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.