6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”