Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’