Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*