6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
