6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
