Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture