Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive