6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
🤣😂🤣😂
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.