6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”