6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person