6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
typical orange cat and void cat behavior