6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.