6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Bring back the McRib
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby