6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
You Might Also Like
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.