Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”