Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall