Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Jus’ sayin. 😐

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

I might give this a try 😏

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

#parenting

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up