7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Bike for sale
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.