[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.