Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

⛄️

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…