Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.